you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
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He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.