I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
