Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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