i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
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She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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