I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
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what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
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Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special