My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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