Fine. I'll sleep in my office
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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