it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
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i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
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I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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