Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
