I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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