She is in my trunk
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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