Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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