Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
