i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
They should really pass out barf bags in church
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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