I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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