having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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