It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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