I want to make a zoo with you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
