we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
