I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
