I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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