i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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