I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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