You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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