remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
