I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
