My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
