Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
