I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
