My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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