Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
the raccoons are back...
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