my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
