It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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