yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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