glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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