it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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