I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
