I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
