you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize