If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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