You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
