This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
