party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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