Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
