1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
