ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
