i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
