I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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