u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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