So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
