no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
