You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
