So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
