Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
