I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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