And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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