I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
