She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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