I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
